When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
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She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”