[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff