[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
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Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m awake but I object,
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.