[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
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Breaking news:
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Livid.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.