[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!