[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?