[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
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12. I think about this all the damn time
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.