On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
You Might Also Like
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up