*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
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hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No