*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
How do dragons blow out candles?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?