[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
You Might Also Like
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations