@patrickmarkryan: On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean
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@ImaFlyontheWall: He looks at her, she undresses him with her eyes His clothes fall Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..
@JT_IV_: What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
@JediGigi: [walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon] Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I'd like to ship him this please.
@9to5Life: "911, what's your emergency?" "My kids are being jerks." "Hey, Christian, you can't keep calling here." "Are you gonna send help?" "..."