astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
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the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*puts words between two asterisks*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously