Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
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Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Pigeon open mic night.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*