Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece