Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”