@Midgetspar: On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment.
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@JWilsonGA: Just saw my wife's tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she'd explode bigger than any firework.
@david8hughes: Interviewer: u worked in sales before? Me: yeah Interviewer: what's your background? Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@AverageCorners: My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.
@3sunzzz: Me: I can't believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year! Fridge: I don't feel well. I think I have a fever.