@Midgetspar: On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment.
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@TheCiscoKidder: My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
@juliussharpe: My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
@SortaBad: If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it's about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
@TheMichaelRock: My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.