Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
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My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Grandmother clock.