@Midgetspar: On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment.
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@TheToddWilliams: [candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.
@UrbanDouchebag: I wonder if flies ever think, "I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face." Because they'd be right.
@DepecheALAmode: Guy at the gym had "True Gentleman" tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.