What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me