I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.