On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
You Might Also Like
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol