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MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
For the baby who has everything
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.