On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
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Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
i was baptized in a car wash
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.