[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
One of the best
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Goodnight 🐶
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun