[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Birds & Planes.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.