[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point