[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved