[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters