On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Breaking news:
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away