@Bandersnaaatch: On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I've eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
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@XplodingUnicorn: I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school. It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
@Brianhopecomedy: *grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor* Wife walks in: "WHAT HAPPENED?" "A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house"
@jake_lach: When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.
@Nikkeya08: Me:*looks up from phone* Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench. Family: M: Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.