On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn