On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I’M CRYINGGG
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.