On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
me irl
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles