On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
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Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.