On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Noted.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*