@JasonBanksComic: One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I'll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this... Lucky guess.

@Quartzjixler: Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

@fabulouscop: *man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"

@GlennHowerton:

@OffTheHutch: An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.