@mrtruthandsoul: The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars. Mars: I have a boyfriend

@iamspacegirl: God *twisting an owl*: I can't get this damn jar open.

@gurl_sour: Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

@egg_dog: don't eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@SomeChrisTweets: SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, "N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S"