@OneFunnyMummy: On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
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@KizerBillhelm: Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs. Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: You say you're an atheist, yet you tell people they can "go to hell!" Make up your mind already.
@CheryeDavis: Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all...So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.
@awkwardphilippe: ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he'll devour the entire carcass HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?