On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
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I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech