@treywafer: On behalf of black people, I'd like to apologize for Nicki Minaj
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@FriendlyAssh0le: if you're having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on themselves.
@yonewt: My wife's signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
@nedroid: here's my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you're welcome
@WilliamAder: Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.