[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
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…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Him: i like a girl who鈥檚 not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk鈥檚 expiration?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I鈥檓 set!
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Never share breakfast with a duck鈥硷笍
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
馃槼
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
saying you鈥檙e celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you鈥檝e been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Nothing is impossible鈥xcept for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If your kids aren鈥檛 drinking enough water, tell them it鈥檚 bedtime.