On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
me as a parent
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.