On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.