[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Lmao
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Basketball
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”