[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
dam girl
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]