[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Air conditioning – not a fan
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Is your wife single?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.