[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”