[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
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I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
TWEET CALL
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Feels like the fourth month in January
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
A small tragedy.