[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
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Bitcoin. Toothurt.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.