[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
the council will decide your fate
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that