[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
😜
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.