[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.