[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Friends that check up on you >
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.