[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
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I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[montage of me giving-up]
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
catch me on valentine’s day like
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.