*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”