*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
May never get over this
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?